Why Success Couldn't Save Me

A personal story about ambition, healing, and learning to live a more integrated life.

"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now." - The Smiths

When I was in eighth grade, I felt like my life was ending. A mixture of painful events had left me scared, overwhelmed, and unsure how I was going to make it through life. One of the few things that gave me hope was playing guitar in my closet (literally) and imagining that someday I would become a rock star.

It was not exactly a realistic plan, but it helped me survive a very difficult time. My dreams about music gave me a way to feel something larger than the pain I was living with. Even then, some of the songs that came through me seemed to know more than I did. My songs carried feelings, questions, and longings I could not yet understand. Looking back, I can see that I used music for two very different things: as a lifeline to my inner world, and as a hoped-for path to dramatic outer success.

Over time, my desperation for success began to overpower my ability to use music as a lifeline. I did not understand it that way at the time. I only knew that I wanted to be rich and famous, and that my dreams seemed to have a force of their own.

Eventually, and with a lot of work, the dream started to come true. After college, some of my songs were placed in an MGM movie. My musical partner and I moved to Seattle, signed a major-label recording contract with our duo called Bounce The Ocean, and began working with established producers. Our music was played on radio stations around the country. Our pictures were on city buses. Our CDs were in stores across the country. From the outside, it looked like success.

Inside, something very different was happening. I felt more and more alienated from myself.

As I gained real experience with life in the spotlight, I began to see that the success I envisioned was not going to give me the life I truly wanted. I became anxious, depressed, and increasingly ambivalent. Part of me still wanted the recognition and the money. Another part wanted to disappear and lead a “normal” life. I remember riding city buses with my picture on the outside of them, while no one sitting near me knew I was the person in the ad. I felt like I did not know the person in the ad either.

One moment in a Los Angeles recording studio made my situation painfully clear. I picked up a studio phone to order pizza and saw two hot buttons labeled “hookers” and “cocaine.” In that moment, I felt the pull toward doing anything that might take away my pain, followed almost instantly by the realization that doing so would cost me the life I actually wanted. I had a panic attack and could not breathe. I spent the rest of the day outside the studio because every time I entered I lost the ability to breathe again. I did not understand exactly what had happened, but I did know that something in me was sounding an alarm.

I had thought success would fix the desperation and pain underneath. Instead, it exposed it.

Due to my bouts of anxiety and depression, I was not able to tour or promote our album. When the record deal ended, I felt grief, but also relief. The life I had been chasing had not turned out to be the life that fit me. I was left with a difficult question: if this dream was not going to save me, what would?

That question led me on a much longer journey. I started therapy, studied healing and human development, re-examined my beliefs, and tried to understand why I had needed fame and fortune so badly in the first place. I also rekindled an earlier interest in career guidance, partly because I was so confused about my own direction.

Even before the music business, I noticed that helping people directly gave me a different kind of satisfaction. When I worked at an unemployment office, in my first job out of college, I once helped someone understand the hidden job market. Later, he came back glowing because the advice had helped him find work. He made a special trip just to say thanks. That moment stayed with me. It felt good in a quiet, clean, and real way.

After the music business, I worked at the unemployment office again. This experience inspired me to write a career guide, and to become a career consultant. I enjoyed helping people think more clearly about work, meaning, strengths, and practical direction. Again, I noticed that I felt more grounded and satisfied when I was helping someone directly, whether they were understanding themselves, finding a clearer path forward, communicating more honestly, or experiencing relief. I was getting help for myself while also helping others in a meaningful and enjoyable way.

That thread of helping others continued through career consulting, and later endeavors in organizational wellness, team development, leadership, hypnotherapy, and eventually counseling. I discovered that I love real conversations. I love the kind of conversation where people stop performing and begin telling the truth, even when the subject is painful or difficult. Being present with another person in that kind of honest contact has become one of the most meaningful parts of my life.

Eventually, an integrated relationship with music returned. Once it no longer had to make me rich and famous, it could become what it had been at the beginning: a form of honest expression and self-discovery. My songs again became a way to get in touch with parts of myself that ordinary conversation, counseling, journaling, or even EMDR and hypnosis could not always reach. Music then became a real complement to the other forms of healing I had discovered.

Looking back, my dreams of stardom gave me hope, direction, and discipline when I needed them most to survive. But I also needed to change directions to gain a deeper level of satisfaction and integrity. Rather than being an escape, the rare degree of success I experienced forced me to face myself in a very direct way.

I learned that success has both outer and inner meanings. Outer success matters. It can provide things like safety, stability, medical treatment, education, rest, opportunity, and the ability to provide for people we love. But outer success cannot do the inner work for us. Inner success is about integration: the ability to feel at home in our own skin through our challenges, to enjoy and inhabit the life we have, and to experience meaning in our relationships and work. Before my experience in the music business, I was hoping that outer success would take care of my inner work. That hope is part of a myth that permeates our movies, literature, and news. We believe even more outer success will finally resolve our inner wounds.

One of the discoveries that shocked me during my experience recording music in Los Angeles was getting to know people who were very wealthy and who worked directly with the musicians I had grown up idolizing. I learned that, although these musicians had achieved wild outer success, their inner success was almost completely missing. In fact, these people seemed markedly less satisfied with their lives than my peers, and many suffered from severe mental health issues. This, despite the fact that these stars had given me the most meaningful example of happiness that I could imagine during my youth.

My work in coaching, career guidance, hypnotherapy, and counseling helps people create both inner and outer successes that complement and synergize with each other. I care about helping people build lives that work on both levels: pursuing meaningful goals and financial well-being, while also addressing the deeper patterns that can keep life from feeling satisfying. While no amount of wealth can fill an inner void, it helps to have resources so we can pursue the inner work that will address that void effectively.

At this point, my life feels much more integrated. I have enough financial stability to support the life I am living. My work, relationships, and creative life reflect what I value and what feels meaningful to me. I regularly experience a sense of joy, wonder, and satisfaction. I also face challenges regularly, but that’s part of being alive. These challenges are part of the learning and growth that keep me engaged. Importantly, I’ve found that healing is not about arriving at some mythical plateau or mountaintop. It’s about becoming more able to face life as it is, with greater honesty, resilience, and peace of mind.

If you would like help building a life that feels both successful on the outside and satisfying on the inside, this is work I care deeply about and I would be honored to help you explore it. Click the "Request Appointment" button below for a free 30 minute free consultation.